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Tales of the distracted date

Andy Phillips   |   Fri, 9 Sep 2022

Are you ready for a confession? We know that not every one of your Couple matches is going to yield a great first date. In fact, some of them are going to be downright cringe-worthy.

Despite the outstanding efforts of our (Awesome-with-a-capital-A) matching engine, there are some personality intangibles that simply can’t be calculated by an algorithm … meaning whoopsie-dates occasionally happen.

And though our development team continuously strives to limit those experiences, when they happen, we gotta admit: they can make for a pretty good story!

Check out this first round of cringe-date user reports, ranked by the Vibe team on a scale of one through five eyerolls, and focused on the most common speed-dating faux pas: dates who are totally distracted.

1) Dating while at work

Here’s a hot tip from Couple pros for having a successful online speed date: wait until you’re off work! We don’t care how good a multitasker you are … your partner isn't going to be impressed if you’re dividing your time between small talk and shop talk.

“My worst date basically ignored me most of the time as she was still at work closing up her store and turning off equipment. It was terrible! Who goes on a video date while working? What’s the point?”

Cringe level: 🙄🙄

“[I] had a lovely conversation with a woman about her love of psychedelics and how she's looking for an open relationship … all while she was actively serving customers at the checkout of the store she worked at. Bad date, bad employee.”

Cringe level: 🙄🙄🙄

“One of my dates had the ideal profile and seemed like such a good match for me, but he ended up being a total jerk. No joke, he kept shushing me because he had to chime in on a work conference call that was blaring on speakerphone throughout our entire three-minute speed date. What the hell was he thinking? Talk about a red flag.”

Cringe level: 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

Woman eating hamburger while on online speed date

2) Dating while famished (or feasting)

While the traditional IRL date often centers around food, eating probably shouldn’t ever factor into a speed date … even those of the virtual variety. Likewise, showing up for a speed date hungry or hangry could be a recipe for disaster. Do yourself a favor and have a bite to eat before your Couple event begins. You’re here to make connections, not dinner.

“One of my dates spent the entire three minutes asking me what she should order from Postmates. Literally the whole date was spent talking menus. She didn’t ask me a single question about myself, and the only things I learned about her are that she’s picky AF about food and really whiny when hungry. Neither of those characteristics is a big turn-on, so it was a Cut for me.”

Cringe level: 🙄🙄

“I had a speed date with this guy who was starving, so the whole date he was looking through his cabinets trying to find a can opener. Yes, a can opener. He had the can, but he couldn't open it. The desperate search for a kitchen tool continued the entire date.”

Cringe level: 🙄🙄🙄🙄

“I was really excited when I got paired with a guy I had hit it off with in the mingle rooms, but as soon as the date started, I wished it were over. He massacred the biggest burrito I’ve ever seen right on camera. It was all over his face, he talked with food still in his mouth, and I’m not sure there was a single bite chewed with his mouth closed. He ended the date by saying, ‘Sorry, I was really hungry, but Couple me and we’ll talk.’ Yeah, no. That was our first and last dinner together, bro.”

Cringe level: 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

3) Dating while dead tired

We all have those days when we feel totally exhausted, and the idea of having even one date (let alone ten!) feels like a lot of work. If that day happens to hit when your Couple event is scheduled, you have a few choices: take a cat-nap, load up on caffeine, or reschedule. But please don’t disrespect your date by dozing during your convo.

“I had a Couple date with a guy who would NOT. STOP. YAWNING. I get that he was probably just super tired, but it struck me as so rude and offensive. I actually started counting his yawns halfway through because I had to do something to keep myself entertained. I got to 24 by the time it ended. How is that even possible in 90 seconds?!”

Cringe level: 🙄🙄

“I once went on a Couple date with a guy who was literally falling asleep during our date. He was sleeping then woke up for a minute then was sleeping again! I think my voice woke him up! WTF?”

Cringe level: 🙄🙄🙄🙄

“I wouldn’t believe this if it hadn’t happened to me, but on one of my dates, I couldn’t see anybody on the screen. Empty chair with a water bottle in front of the camera. But I knew my date was in the room somewhere because I heard her snoring. SNORING! Was she in her bed? Was she on the floor? I’ll never know.”

Cringe level: 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

Image of drunk man on computer screen

4) Dating while drunk or on drugs

No judgment against those who indulge in a lil’ sumpin’ sumpin’ to take the edge off during social events, but trust us: showing up for a speed date wasted is not going to win you any points with your partners. Kinda hard to have a convo if you don’t even know your own name, right?

“This girl I dated was so stereotypically stoned that I felt like I was talking to a character from a movie. Lots of giggling and ‘right on, right on’ happening. I’m not totally sure she knew where she was. I Coupled her anyway because her profile looked good to me and I’m all about second chances. But man, that first date was rough!”

Cringe level: 🙄

“A guy randomly asked me if I do LSD. I guess he was on it during our date? He said he did it to put himself on a higher plane so he can connect to the stratosphere. I just said, ‘oh, okay,’ and listened to him and prayed our time would be up fast. It was totally weird for a first date.”

Cringe level: 🙄🙄🙄

“Have you ever watched someone shot-gun three beers in three minutes? I have, and it was during the only bad date I’ve had on Couple. The beer-chugging was unnecessary since it was clear the guy was already drunk as hell. Maybe he thought it would be a funny way to break the ice, but by round six when our date happened, it was just messy and gross. It’s a date, not a frat party. Get it together.”

Cringe level: 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

Have you had a cringe-worthy Couple date? What about an amazing one? Let us know here. Perhaps your story will be featured in a future post!


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